Mind your manners, bitch

It may surprise my readers to learn this, but in addition to being one of the hottest unpublished and completely unknown authors in the greater Lake Worth area, I am also an authority on second millennium etiquette issues. Having been raised in the South, I have a keen sense of what is rude and what is less rude but possibly still offensive enough to get you shot by your hillbilly neighbor on your front porch while dipping.
That's why it amazes me that people still don't know how to properly deal with a cellular phone. It's not like they're new or anything. Zack Morris had one when we were still collectively pleading for Hammer not to hurt 'em. Here are four rules that can help you avoid being a serial cellphone abuser:
1. Do not have lengthy conversations on your cellphone while competing in a sport or game. I am including pictures of two of my friends defiling the sanctity of both Texas Hold 'Em Poker and Cricket (darts) with their unholy cellphone perversion.
2. Do not call someone to meet, live and in person, and then talk on your cellphone while they sit there with their thumb up their butt wondering how hard it would be to bludgeon you to death with your own cellphone. This should be obvious, but I'm going to point it out anyway.
3. Do not turn your ring up too loud. My brother-in-law Nick, a pretty serious cellphone abuser himself, brought this up the other day. People have these super advanced cellphones with subwoofers and shit that are so loud you can feel the fillings in your teeth rattle when they go off in the movie theater. Everyone in the elevator does not need to know that you rep Lil Jon fo life. Seriously.
4. Text messaging is lame. Come on people. We don't need an entire generation of old people hooked on Celebrex and bitching about their arthritis five decades from now just because they were too lazy to call someone. I've known people that have racked up three hundred dollars in text message fees at a nickel a text message. That is insane. Also, I hate the word "texin'".
That's it for now, sportsfans. I'll be back soon with a new feature, Stupid Yet Somehow Amazing Websites.